Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lost_nightsage's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
2:43 am	I need to post about this. I really really really do. But I don't have the words right now and it still hasn't completely hit me yet.... On the other hand, being back at school is lovely and I have missed everyone and it's actually not THAT cold and Obama tomorrow and lots and lots of snow and distractions....meh. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 6th, 2009
9:01 pm	You're the song stuck in my head Have you ever noticed that when you have a song stuck in your head, the only possible cure you can think of is to listen to that song? It NEVER helps. If anything, it just sticks the song in there that much harder. But it's satisfying in a strange way. I guess it's because it gets a little fuzzy in your head, and it's never the whole song. Sometimes you want to hear the whole thing, and experience it. As clearly as I can hear some music in my head, it's still just a vague imprint that can never compare to the real thing. Sometimes you can control hearing the song, by pulling out a CD or ipod or youtube or any other manner of small to large effort one can go through. Sometimes nothing is available, so you just have to wait for it to come on the radio...but you still choose not to turn it off. The only way to purposefully get the song out of your head is to get another one in there, but even then, at some unconscious moment the old one usually pops in. It's also funny, though, that you can never put your finger on the moment that the song is out of your head. One day it won't stop bothering you, and the next it's gone. It's just a week for metaphors I suppose. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 4th, 2009
8:05 pm	wow wow wow this is dumb it is going to end so badly wow... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 20th, 2008
11:29 pm	Being home, not so bad rly. Not yet. Let's see...Thursday morning braces. Sucked. Hanging out with my mom was okay though, and then catching up with Sarah is almost always fun. She and Dan are adorable and he's older and more mature and it doesn't make me jealous for once, just gives me hope. Though she treats him very poorly sometimes and it makes me sad. The night was terrible though. Talking to Alex was a terrible idea and I couldn't go to sleep because my mouth hurt. Catching up with Mikey was nice though. I have to visit him. Friday...slept. ALL day. Lovely lovely. Elan's party was interesting. It was cool to see him and Evan and co again, and great catching up with Rebecca. I just never really thought I would be at a party with Elan though, but it was entertaining. I MUST get a free pizza from Stew. Then driving around and finding Encinitas is death at night, getting pulled over and drunk-checked by sketch cops, making mexican hot chocolate at my house and trying to caramelize cinnamon sugar was really fun. Oh Rebecca, fire, and me. The perfect Menage-a-trois (sp?). Saturday...shopping with my dad. Fun! Tiring. Still can't really eat. Hanging out with Cami was AMAZING. Making obscene things out of bread, lingerie shopping, target, twilight mocking, hsm jizz-pantsing....didn't really think about anything dramatic all day, and even thinking of it now it's not bad. Kinda. I just miss him, but it doesn't weigh on me every minute like the Zach thing did when that happened. Now I'm sitting staring at my beautiful tree and lights, watching my dad string fake cranberries. All is well. Sohini/Meesh's holiday party tonight. Looking forward to it in an odd way. Talking to harrison is also lovely. I really should visit him. Soccer in Utah snow...fantastic. Followed by spades by a fire place :) (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 13th, 2008
11:47 pm	I like you but it's not worth it to hold on to you because "insert piece of shit reason here". Story of my life. Sometimes I just want someone who will fight for me. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 25th, 2008
1:38 am	but then you came back...hm (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
4:25 pm	"But if I turn and face the East and bear the dark, the sun will rise." I think I turned East. I think I've born the dark. I think the sun is finally rising. The weird thing about the sunrise though is that it's not usually really all that beautiful, and it's kinda quick. If you don't pay attention, all of a sudden you find yourself immersed in light. Either way though, it's a new day. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 20th, 2008
12:41 am	First College All-nighter Sweet. Ready, set, go. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
8:50 pm	<3 http://www.zefrank.com/from52to48withlove/index.html History. Hope. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 27th, 2008
8:42 pm	Home I was home this weekend. That's the first time I think I've ever officially viewed it as my home, the first time it's actually felt like that. There is so much I miss about it. Much more than I expected. I'm back in my dorm now, and I love it here too...but it's not a part of me yet. I could leave it all. I'd be fine. Of course, I don't intend to and I don't want to, but there are parts of me that just want to stay in that house forever, wake up every morning in the sunshine and run the the beach, eat at st. germain or pipes, drive around and do nothing. It's so strange that I will never be making that turn on to camino de los coches again to show up early for a show I am working, for a game, for a tournament, for anything. The school isn't MINE anymore. That hurts in way more places than I expected it to. Going to the football game, dancing and playing with the band, I felt on top of the world again. I FIT. Walking around and hearing all the people talking, seeing the horrible types of people that go to LCC, I realize I don't miss high school really, but I miss something. I can't describe it though. Maybe I just did. Seeing Alex and Erika and McKenna was AMAZING though, though HSM3 may have been a bad idea for many reasons. It was cute though. Skinny dipping is always fantastic, as are buying panties and reading cosmo, talking to Mattison forever at In n Out, just eating In n Out PERIOD and RICOS gah...and panera. Eating panera was fantastic. Other parts of panera..just...I dunno. I don't see any possible motivation to lying about that...but he just doesn't act like it's true. For once I'm not going to sit on here and bitch about it though. I just wish I had some answers. It's only nine but I think I may go to bed. My hair is dirty because I didn't wash it after the beach last night. I still don't want to wash it, which is gross, but it doesn't feel dirty, just salty. California-y. I slept the entire plane flight here. I had a dream that the plane was crashing, and i made in my mind a letter I would write saying everything I needed to say to everyone I knew. It was really intense. I've decided that if I died now, of course there would be a lot I was sad I missed out on, but I think the thing I would be most depressed about would be not having the chance to create life and have a baby..I would NEVER expect myself to say that. But there it is. I'm so excited to have my piano music and guitar with me. Yay. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 12th, 2008
8:57 pm	I've always watched you two doing this lj thing back and forth. I would shake my head and laugh a little, not at what you were saying, but just at how ridiculous it was that you needed live journal to get those things out. I never expected that it would ever be us doing this. The worst part is that it didn't really have to be. I read it, my first instinct was to call you. But I didn't know what to say, how to formulate the millions of thoughts running through my head. That happens a lot lately. With school, with life...I feel like there are two parts of "thought". The part where the voice insides you recognizes what you are thinking and says it in your mind and formulates a complete thought, and the part that is constantly moving and actually...thinking. Lately I feel like the latter is moving on a track so fast and that the conscious part of my mind is struggling to keep up, grasping at the few thoughts it can catch. But I can't really piece anything together anymore, especially if I have to involve the third voice, the one that actually comes out of my mouth. So...what to say. Something I discovered with Bridget that I'm discovering here too is that when your lives don't involve the same people anymore, the same places, the same activities... it's hard to find a place to START talking. I feel like so many times when we have talked one of us will go off about what is happening with their people in their place. Then the other will do the same. I guess we can compare a little, laugh a little, but it's hard to attach meaning to stories that involve faces you haven't seen, details you can't imagine. I guess that's one part of it. I think it's the biggest literal obstacle. Then again, I think the problem with viewing this as an obstacle is that those are the things we try to talk about because they make up our lives at the moment. But we forget that just because it's what makes up the majority of our time, doesn't make it important. Those were never the things that made us friends in the first place. We are friends because we talked about anything and everything, because we got each other through the barriers that were going on inside of us. Sure, those were sometimes caused by things on the outside. But it was always about the inside when it really came down to it for us. But how did we ever start talking about that? how the fuck does it even come up? Ice cream and pheramones to the deepest conversations...I can barely even remember how they started. I feel like on the phone, on the internet, or whatever we just try too hard. When we think too hard about what makes us us, we make no sense. That's the beauty of it. But I don't know how to stop thinking. And as far as talking about what's going on on the inside...God, I don't even know. I don't think there really IS anything going on inside me right now. I feel ridiculously empty in weird ways. I'm distracted by dumb things...dumb things that would have been fun to look at together if it were high school, but its not. And it's dumb. Dumb dumb. I know that. The last week, or was it the week before? I don't know anymore. It really scared me. It still does. I've decided that things didn't bother me with Mikey and Sohini because that was already a part of the "them" that I got to know. With Kate and Mitch it hurt because it changed the "them" I knew, and I could never forget who they were, and never love that part any less, and I had to watch it die. With Mitch, it wound up being okay. Okay is relative though. It still kills me every time I actually stop to remember him as I knew him and fell in love with him, knowing that it doesn't exist anymore. But both of them...as hard as it was with both of them, you were there, you know...(and here comes the first real tears I've had since I've been here) can you even IMAGINE what it would be like if it were you? And after hearing about that, all I could do was notice little things that were different when I was talking...notice how the girl I knew was so excited to go to college to be around other people who were excited to learn, who was excited because she was excited to learn, and yet I never heard an ounce from her about classes, or about people who seemed the type I expected her to go out and find. I was so afraid that she was too self-conscious to be selective about friends (which she shouldn't be. She beats anyone any day.) I couldn't be sure and I couldn't really judge because I don't know them, but I worried all the same. But I never heard anything about learning, except playing music. Thank God the music never dies. And then I would notice how the girl who had often sat with me and criticized people who must just be too bored with themselves that do stupid things, was getting bored. And doing stupid things. Notice how things she fought so long against were suddenly not a big deal, simply because they were not a big deal relative to others around her. Read as she wrote that it had always been a part of her that she had been afraid of, but that she was realizing that it was ok. True, it has always been a part of her. I knew that. And to a certain extent, I don't care about indulging that side a little. I expected it. It shouldn't change anything. But the thing is, the fact that she spent so much energy fighting it was also a part of her, a much bigger part. I feel like that defined her more than the other part. So watching the fight disappear, watching this casualness sink in...I just wanted to scream, or say very very deliberately. "Yes, YES it's ok. It's always ok. Until it's not." A few days passed. I didn't forget, I didn't forget at all. But in defending you against another unreasonable person, I remembered things, and I remembered the girl who has had so much experience dealing with her weaknesses, the girl who has always pulled through. I relaxed. I'm still relaxed, but it's a fragile relaxation. Sometimes I'm afraid to talk, because I'm afraid I'll keep being neurotic and oversensitive and paranoid and notice a change. I'm so afraid of a change in you when everything else is changing so much. Believe me...I miss you more than you could imagine. I have friends here, but I get sick of them, and no matter how hard I pretend some are like you, they aren't. I feel like you are this standard of comparison that no one can match up to, and that scares me a little too, because it makes me feel destined to be alone. But while I miss you, I know that I am missing you until Thanksgiving. And after that, I will miss you until winter. Etc, etc. When I think about it like that, it doesn't kill me. The fear of having to miss you forever does kill me though. I'm so goddamned afraid of having to face another ghost. And why I truly am confident I won't have to, fear often dominates rational confidence. And I'm so scared that I'm not there. I hate feeling powerless. So...I'm dumb. I'm dumb, I'm boring, and I'm scared. I don't really know how else to sum it up. I feel meaningless in college. I don't like that. I've been afraid to admit it. But there it is. I know I just got out a lot more than this incident called for, but I dunno...I think it all pieces in. I just can't wait to see you, and I am counting down the days till we can eat panera and juanitas and go to jamzac and the beach. When we were sitting on the phone, all that kept going through my head was "close your freaking laptop, you idiot" But I couldn't do it, and I don't know why, and I'm so aware that I am so closed off and vegetable like and I just want to see your face and laugh and make strange noises and I don't know how to put that friendship onto an invisible telephone line or into an ethernet cable and I don't know what to do. But how I feel about you and how much I need you, that hasn't changed one bit. I think that's what I came here to say. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 9th, 2008
10:03 pm	"You see, gentlemen, reason is unquestionably a fine thing, but reason is no more than reason, and it gives fulfillment only to a man's reasoning capacity, while desires are a manifestation of the whole of life--I mean the whole of human life, both with its reason and with all its itches and scratches. And though our life in these manifestations will often turn out a pretty sorry mess, it is still life and not a mere extraction of square roots...What does reason know? It knows only what it has managed to learn, while human nature acts as a complete entity, with all that is in it, consciously or unconsciously, and though it may be wrong, it's nevertheless alive." 14Dostoevsky (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
1:39 am	While I am waiting up to see if someone signs up to have his post parent-fight chat with me, I think I will do an update. I am constantly tired. Constantly a little sick. My back right gum is infected. I am getting fat. I have lots and lots of work to do. Yet I am incredibly, incredibly happy. I have had so many amazing moments in the nights that are depriving me of that sleep. Rolling down foss hill in the rain, searching all night for the means to make pot brownies in a group of people who had no intention of eating them, group hugs, water beds, bouncy couches, eto lampa, sharing music, playing leap frog and doing the mosquito avoi-dance, playing tag, puddle stomping, playing piano at midnight, singin in the rain and the maltese falcon, teeth, love love love love love...it's wonderful. And all the work I have to do...sucks. But for once it feels like the work is actually FOR something. I think one small story that sums up a little about how I'm feeling about life right now....i keep my keys a and stuff on a caribbeaner. I don't know how, or when, but somehow my guitar pick that i had on a key chain came off. It was a perfectly good pick that I'm sure anyone could have used, or even just ignored. Yet I found it sitting nicely on top of the card reader outside the door to my dorm building. This is a new, fascinating life. But it's good. There's SO much I miss from home. But I love this too. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 28th, 2008
5:24 pm	So...college and shit. IS FANTASTIC. Our dorm is way big for a dorm, very fresh, we have a walk in closet, and my roommate and I actually get along really well. I have a party wingman and a few academic wingmen and I found some music people today who love flight of the conchords too but I think they are too cool for me. Whatever. I have to keep reminding myself it is only the third day though because sometimes it freaks me out not having a BEST friend around anymore. I almost wonder if not having too many people around is a good thing though. My schedule this semester is insane so I'm really scared about that. I have 9 am classes every morning, I'm taking fucking organic chemistry, russian, vectors and matrices, and international politics. I don't get music or english classes till next semester because that's when all the good ones are that are available to frosh. Then I'm working as a theater technician which i'm not sure how I'll have time for and I'm afraid of getting fired at because I don't really remember anything, I'm just good at bullshitting. So we had a square dance last night which was hilarious and exhausting and brilliant, I have a drawer full of easy mac, a batman whiteboard, and I went to three frat parties last night whereupon a senior tried to hook up with me and it was hilarious and awkward and surprisingly really fun in general. It was kinda lame though because everywhere was running out of cups so people were peacing out early and I wasn't tired because woohoo I'm on west coast time. Mornings are a different story. And in the meanwhile, some things from home are still bothering me too much, but I'm finding less desire to just word vomit about them with new people which is cool. And I'm excited about the next four years. And about the hypnotist and karaoke tonight. And I'm wondering if maybe people only actually get over things because they forget them. Like...I can't even really remember distinctly what it was like to be with Mitch. I remember the events fairly clearly, and I remember feeling all these things, but I don't actually remember what the feelings felt like. Hopefully that happens soon with this whole thing? Then again I think it's really a shame if getting over good things just means forgetting. Because I don't like the idea of forgetting. Everything that happens is a piece of us. I don't want to forget the glue that cemented those memories and changes to me. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 21st, 2008
11:38 pm	Epiphanies? Our intelligence is measured by the number of questions we have the curiosity and perception to ask ourselves and the drive we have to answer them. Our misery is measured by the clarity and degree to which we realize that the majority of these questions will never be answered. Our joy is measured by the moments we allow our heads to be silent and our hearts to be full (with full awareness of the constant search that we are momentarily giving up) Because in those instances the answers do not matter because our lives and the moments themselves do. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 31st, 2008
8:17 pm	So I'm not leaving THAT soon...but the fact that everyone else is is starting to hit me.  And today, I thought about Zach a lot.  And I didn't miss him or like him or anything.  It was great.  And I thought about donkey, and there's not much there either.  It's great.  Maybe it's just the vicodin.  I need a nap.  And I need to finish cleaning my room.  I want a wand to wave so it can just be done.  So Twilight, I mean yeah Edward's amazing, but he's nothing DIFFERENT...just kinda that perfection that everyone wants.  And the books are kinda like some teenage fanfic with nothing to be a fan of.  I dunno.  They're enjoyable, but I don't really get the hype.  Whoever compares it to HP can go die.  I want my cheeks to not be puffy.  I want my mom to stop yelling.  I want to have more time.  I want to want something/someone/touchytouchy!/wooohhhoooo I feel funny. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 27th, 2008
6:10 pm	Never lose your faith in human beings. That seems to be the lesson of the week.  From the Dark Knight, to honesty box chats, to kind deeds shown by strangers...maybe it's not too late for this race.  I'm not an optimist, but for right now, I believe. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 25th, 2008
11:56 pm	I hate wanting to be suprised, then hoping you will be. Because when you're not surprised, you're disappointed, but then realize that's just it...you're NOT surprised, so you shouldn't be disappointed because disappoinment is kind of a surprise I guess. I'm making no sense.  It's late.  But when I read this again, I hope I know what I mean.  (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
12:05 am	Soo..now I'm confused.   1) Zach texted me. That never happens.  I discovered it about 2 hours after actually receiving it.  Apparently he had gone through his fair videos that we took and they were classic. At this point, I wonder why he was going through them, and why he decided to tell me about it.  So I said yes they were, and I wished he could have sent the bb king one to me but then again I was there. And he said it was too long and i said at least he could send videos at all because my phone is retarded and snobby and wont send its videos to anyone.  So then he thanked me for going with him...again.  I thought we were done with the awkward thank yous a month ago.  and I thanked him for having the idea.  Then he had some "I'm trynig to be witty" response about thanking the people who asked bbking to play in the first place.  Then I said yeah, but it was his idea to go because i wouldnt have thought of it. So he thanked me for going with him again. As if I could turn it down. And he would have been fine without me anyway.  Then he goes and tells me he didn't think anyone else he could have gone with would have appreciated it as much as him.  I just sent a smiliey face.  I wanted to ask more, ask what spurred this trip down memory lane, ask what he thought of the you are my sunshine 1234, but I didn't.  I didn't know what to say or think.  I refuse to read into it.  Though a lot of me still wants to. Like..seriously? 2) Talking to the donkey was once again very good.  I need to come up with a more flattering nickname.  This wound up being one of the conversations we've been leading up to all along,but I unfortunately couldn't save it.  Basically we were talking about relationships and every time it came down to "damn it why are we so alike." which turned into "why are you leaving" a bunch of times. Then him talkin about how he wants a girl, now all he needs is a who. And I said that's his problem, because no girl wants to be the girl who fulfills that. They want to be the one all along...they want him to want THEM, not anyone.  So I told him I had 2-3 "whos". He wanted me to tell him.  I didn't. Then he admitted he had a list as well.  I asked him to tell me because if I knew them I could help.  He wouldn't tell.  Eventually I got him to cave on one, and I got him to make hang out plans with her.  I was proud of him but at the same time I was like "damn..not me."  Then he admitted that I would be on his list if I wasn't going away.  I told him he would be on my list if he hadn't just crossed himself out.  I told him I hated college for scratching out chances and making other people make things awkward just because its their "last chance". He said he hoped he hadnt just done that.  I told him he hadn't at all.  So now I just want to know how high on the list I'd be....and whether the list was jsut cool potentials, or people he actually likes.  Who knows.  But the boy makes me happy.  I hope his medication doesn't change him.  Then he tried to get me to tell him my list.  I said it was pointless because one he didn't know, and the other two were impossible.  He said nothing was impossible.  But when the other two are him and Zach...yeah. Impossible is something. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 21st, 2008
5:44 pm	Ughhhh he is still her freaking puppy dog!  I don't understand...she's barely older than his sister.  ughhhh it makes me feel sick. Not to mention a fire really close to my house while I'm not there...not fun.  And someone won't talk to me. But my roommate seems nicer now that we've talked a bit more.  I have a feeling she'll just be my really girly flirty woohoo party buddy, which could actually be really cool.  I want to be home now jsut since I won't be for so long soon enough.  But other than the few people I want to talk to and see there, I want to be gone.  Gone and forget.  uggh why does this still make me feel so sick.  But I'm talking to my happy buddy :) hopefully I'll feel better (Comment on this)